Army vs. Marines! - Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Giving - The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation. "You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?" The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, "If you only knew... My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair. My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident." Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits. The lawyer nodded and said, "Exactly... Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don't even give to my own family!"
Imagine this - A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up. She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"
You Mama's So Hairy... - - Yo mama's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. - Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her. - Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock. - Yo mama's so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on. - Yo mama's so hairy, she has afros on her nipples. - Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth. - Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker. - Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds. - Yo mama's so hairy, when she spreads her legs ,the first thing that comes to my mind is "We're going to Bush Gardens."
4 Doctors talk Politics! - An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
Yo Momma Jackpot! - - Yo mama's like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on. - Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more. - Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded. - Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine...five cents a blow. - Yo mama's like Chinese food...sweet, sour, and cheap. - Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. - Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. - Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. - Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy. - Yo mama's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit. - Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. - Yo mama's like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner. - Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day. - Yo mama's like a 747, she has a very large cockpit. - Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot. - Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off. - Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night. - Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay." - Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked. - Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff. - Yo mama's like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in. - Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter. - Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit. - Yo mama's like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port. - Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. - Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. - Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. - Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing. - Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all. - Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free. - Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. - Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. - Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump. - Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. - Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on. - Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. - Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away. - Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. - Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans. - Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers. - Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country. - Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. - Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. - Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!" - Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck. - Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet. - Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick. - Yo mama's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday. - Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her. - Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package! - Yo mama's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day. - Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours. - Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served. - Yo mama's like McDonalds... What you want is what you get. - Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy. - Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy... everybody pokes her. - Yo mama's like lettuce, $1 a head. - Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw. Your momma is so fat... the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs! - Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said "Sorry...No proffessionals allowed!!!" -Yo momma's so fat, when the lord said - "Let There Be Light", he had to ask her to move over! -Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN! -Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said,"yes please!" -Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale! -Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World! -Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift! -Yo momma's so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!
I'm A Chicken - Psychiatrist: What is your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Bud the stud! - How can you compare a Budweiser to making love in a canoe? It's fucking close to water!
Brightness - I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.
Preparing for Santa... - A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us... 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It." Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
At the store. - Your so stupid, you got locked in a grocery store and starved!!
Dead Babies - What is easier to fill a dump truck up with.. dead babies or bowling balls? Dead babies.. because you can use a pitchfork.
Health condition - The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "what's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Ford - What does Ford stand for? Found On Rednecks Driveway!
Elmo - What was the last thing they gave to Elmo before he left the factory? 2 testtickles!